Dani Rose

Jasper has crossed the rainbow bridge.

He had started eating. It was looking up. Dental procedure was scheduled I had hope.

Then he lost interest entirely. In food, in drink.

So we said our goodbyes and drove to Blue Pearl.

Like Miso. He will be part of the coral reef helping coral grow in the Atlantic Ocean. My beloved oceans that surround me.

He just stood in his water dish. Not drinking. Just all paws in the dish.

Heart murmur, kidney disease, arthritis in his spine, possible tumor/nodule between heart and lung, hyperthyroidism.

So much was against him.

And yet my child is dead and I can't see the words on the screen.

Jazzy Bean has quit eating and then he's been willing to eat only half and half. And then he's been willing to eat the smallest bite of chicken...

So we did not end up making an appointment for our vet to send him to my other cats and my best friends mom who was my dear Pywhackett's second human and who I sent back to her in 2014 when Py was 25. Such a dear Meezer. I imagine sending all my cats to Penny who will love them and tend them the way she tended all nine of her cats before the cancer took her life much to young more than 20 years ago.

So Ian and I are in agreement that it comes down to tomorrow. Before they do advance testing we want to know if he's already wasting away beyond saving. Because I only want to put him through testing if we are not already too late. If they say he's not to far gone from having a bad appetite, then we will do a test or two. And make our decision from there.

The best case scenario will be he's able to get the dental surgery, the thyroid in June and the lung thing is just inflammation. They give him a tube feeding and then we get the dental surgery done asap so he remembers to eat food.

Then he lives for another few years before crossing the rainbow bridge. Because I believe they are escorted by my other cats that they knew, he gets guided by my tragic ginger son to my other dear cats.

If it's not looking good then we will either have it done at Blue Pearl or make arrangements for our primary vet to send him across the bridge.

I want it to be the best scenario so much.

But a few few times over the last 2 weeks I have had hopes only for things to get worse. So I will be full of gloom and anxiety and grief until we know either way tomorrow.

Cat ownership is not for the weak. They keep breaking my heart and yet I know that if the cat distribution center dropped another senior kitty on my doorstep I would take them in too.

He's quit eating all together. If he doesn't eat anything by tomorrow we'll cancel Tuesday's appointment and we'll make arrangements for our vet to send him to sleep on Monday.

He's still drinking but he doesn't have the energy anymore of a cat that is still interested in food. We've tried so many things.

But I must accept that it's over.

Above are two of my favorite pictures of my gorgeous silver boy.

It's been a series of horrible days in a row.

So Jasper was not eating much but then he began turning his head sharply to the side and refusing all types of food. We found a straight puree "mousse" that he would eat and made a vet appointment.

On Wednesday he went to the vet. Got an exam. Got bloodwork. Dental issues. We made an appointment with a specialist for May but wondered if he'd make it to then as he is all bones and no body fat now. He was 10 pounds when he was healthy and he's 7 pounds now.

On Friday, while the plumbers were doing some unexpected work on our toilet. Apparently a Brazilian pepper plant, an invasive plant, decided to grow in our pipes. The vet called.

Jasper has hyperthyroidism. We made an appointment at the big vet hospital. Not the one that Miso died at two years ago but the one our Joey cat died in ten years ago and the one where we learned that Ariel was dying. Not a place I would like to return to but their care is top notch. For him to get the Iodine treatment. It's a radioactive treatment we wouldn't see Jasper for two weeks while they did it in June but it would fix the problem.

He didn't eat much on the weekend so we made a phone call to the vet and a phone call to a new closer vet who agreed to see him on Monday for dental work.

On Monday, they found a stage 2 or 3 heart murmur but were not able to get all the xrays because my son is kind of an asshole.

He was scheduled for surgery yesterday. Before surgery while he was sedated and not growling hissing and biting they did the scheduled test xrays.

They found a mass in his lungs. No surgery due to the risk if it is inflammation of the heart and lungs.

We have an appointment on the Seventh to above big vet hospital who will do the exam on the mass to determine if it's cancer in both thyroid and lungs. Like the one removed last year. If it is it's the end.

My heart hurts so much. I can't bring myself to hope that it isn't over.

My boy. My jasper.

I live.

Spent the morning reading about some concerning policies the governor of Florida is trying to pass. including one that would give him his own secret service.

I really wish we'd not bought a house, even though that's why we are doing okay with the higher prices because we have a consistent "rent" aka mortgage that's cheaper than what we were paying in rent five years ago.

Even with our roommate having quit paying rent three years ago and us doing nothing about it because she's also my best friend. But it does frustrate me a little. I wish she'd at least pay something. We pay rent, electric, water.... She pays the internet bill.

I did tell her the other day she needs to talk to Ian to figure out some rent since she got a job two years ago after being laid off. Which is when she quit paying.

Mushi is doing okay. The xray came back and he does not have any tumors or blockages. He hates taking his medicine once a day and is very dramatic about it. But he is feeling better. He's been a very vocal, playful and active 15 year old boy.

We celebrated his gotcha day the day after we rushed him to vet last week. 14 years ago... he just walked into the store Ian worked at. Stayed there all night being looked after by my husband and then when Ian shook a treat bag he walked into our car. No tags. No one ever posted that he was missing. No chip. We were only going to keep him until the pound opened two days later because we already had the two cats we were allowed with Joey and Pywhackett. But by the end of the day he was Mushi. My little sweetie Boo.

To this day he's the cat who caused the most chaos, he once knocked our fan out of the window when we were getting a fresh breeze while cleaning the boxes. We lived on the third floor. He jumped out the window and we had to chase him around the parking lot of our apartment complex in my nightgown and pj pants.

Miso was the one who broke my heart.
Joey was my sweetest.
Pywhackett was the feistiest.
Mushi is the most chaotic.
Bitsy is the kindest.
Jasper is the most confusing survivor.
Nori is the whiniest. He whines if I hold him. He whines if I don't go to the bed when he wants cuddles and lay down and let him lounge on me like he did the first night I got him, he just likes to complain. I've had him since he was 12 weeks old. He's the ultimate brat cat. All my others were strays who had tragic pasts. He's Mr. First World Problems.

My thoughts on the war are chaotic.

I hope peace happens since the government that killed 30k plus people in a matter of days for protesting last month is falling. I hope peace comes. I trust the Iranians that are speaking out more than I trust non Iranians who didn't care about what happened to Iranians before the other day. I also hope that it doesn't become like Afghanistan. When we left the Taliban came back and the lives of women are horrible. They can't speak. They can't sing. They can't learn. I hope the lives of the Iranians goes back to how it was before this regime came into power. According to several posters and videos they had more freedom than Swedish women in the 1970's could vote etc. Before this regime took over and women were forced to hide themselves and were taken away if they were caught with a stray hair falling out of their hijab.

That said. I know Trump and co are almost certainly not doing it for a good reason.

A broken clock is right twice a day and all.

I hope peace comes to the middle east, to Ukraine. But there is so much fear in my heart. So many things seem to be reaching a boiling point.

And I really think those in charge are either cowards who won't act or are people who would watch the whole world burn.

I hate war. I feared war when it was my classmates, class of 2002, that were being sent to Afghanistan and I feared even then things might be worse in the end. And now we are once more in the middle east.

And innocents are going to get hurt.

Some people that are killed are not the innocents. Some were the very people who ordered guns fired into the crowds last month, who committed the atrocities.

But others are just humans who did nothing wrong.

And with that note I'm done blogging my thoughts.

I woke up with a headache and my day got worse from there.

Boo cat, aka Mushi, my fifteen year old cat that I've had for the longest even though Jasper is much older. Had two poops in a row, where he vomited at the same time and the poops had blood in them.

We called the vet as soon as they opened but it was his surgery day, so they scheduled us for noon. We put Boo in the carrier and then about 20 minutes into the 45 minute drive get a text that the surgery is running late so... We have an appointment at 2:30.

So now I'm playing the waiting game. I didn't go with because my headache is getting worse and Mushi will scream the whole damn time.

Trying not to dwell on all the awful things it could be when it's very likely that he just has a bug or had constipation and hurt himself.

He had good numbers in December.

Last week it was warm but now it's cold again but tomorrow it'll be warm.

I know I had other things I wanted to type about but... I am anxious.

Having a senior kitty with a disease is stressful.

And I don't mean the helping him clean his bum. Or the apoetite stimulant. Or the ordering of several different exoensive cat food varieties to see which ones please his majesty today.

He suddenly was super lethargic. Gums were still pink, his breathing was normal. Mine was not.

And suddenly it hit me.

Hes old. He has kidney disease he could die.

Obviously, age does not have to be a factor, Miso was only five when he died a year and half ago a grief that sometimes hits me just as hard as it did that first day.

I do not want to think about the day thats coming. I want to enjoy the silly Jasper things he does.

I do not want to borrow the grief that will come sooner than I would like. Both Mushi andvSebastian turn 15 this year. Bitsy turns 10 and Nori my youngest turns 6. Time is marching on.

I do not want to dwell and yet...

If it gets much colder I think I too, will hibernate. Probably won't fall out of a tree due to not being in one. But this weather is not weather I am equipped for.

When I looked yesterday there was only a ten degree difference between us and Munich, Germany. That should not be the case darn it.

Tomorrow it'll be in the mid sixties for at least a day so hopefully it'll warm up inside our house. We don't have heat. And I'm cold and cranky.

I did however get another cute pair of slipper socks, they have a gray cat on them. The cats won't let us have the electric throw I bought a few years ago and I'm regretting not buying a new one but at that time it seemed we would follow the normal winter pattern of just a day or two of extreme cold followed by sixty degree days. It doesn't predict another forty degree day thankfully this week so hopefully I'll be warm.

I know once the hot season arrives I'll long for these days as I see our power bill each month.

I made some icons played some videogames and otherwise did nothing. This weather is terrible for me accomplishing anything.

How do people in the great frozen North deal with this bullshit for more than a few days?

Had a mostly happy post but then saw the news. The government (ICE) has murdered another US Citizen.

My heart hurts. This is not okay.

His poor family! And government officials spreading lies when the video shows him unarmed.

A nurse at a VA hospital trying to help someone the thugs had pepper sprayed.

Screams into the void.

Where's the supreme Court? Where's Congress? My Congress critters support him. Rick Scott is one of ours. Rubio was one of ours...

I hope everyone who stayed home and didn't vote is proud of themselves.

You did it.

Let us hope he doesn't get the civil war he's hoping to invite and use to deny elections.

Let us hope we can vote then out and end all this fuckery.

But I will always hope everyone who stayed home steps in a dozen Legos a day and gets food poisoning every time they are traveling in a car and can't find a toilet.

Hope this makes sense I'm so tired I can't see well anymore.

Best part about it being so cold to a native Floridian is every time I turn on the electric blanket for warmth I get three or four cats clustered around me.

The downside is that I was so cold I didn't get to the computer like I had planned.

I did try following a coloring tutorial for icons but I don't think I liked the results enough to do it again. It involved a lot of painting sections of the icons in different colors and in the icon I made the skin got washed out something awful. Tried a crop with the image of Martha that was one of the sample caps and it washed her out to a very pale that was distinctly not her dark skin. I did however learn some new techniques for enhancing hair. Going in with a pink brush on red hair and then a yellow brush and then black to enhance shadows did look lovely.

Most important it was not stressful and I'm not feeling like I might have a rage stroke.

I am still very worried about the situations the USA is in

And hoping the threat of everyone else is enough to keep his hands off the big red button.